‘TIS THE SEASON

It is likely this holiday season that you will receive an unwanted gift: a poorly tailored apron from your aunt; the past four issues of Reader’s Digest, large print edition, from your grandfather; or a swastika lapel pin from your neighbor. Whatever the gifts may be, sometimes they can be difficult to return – even for store credit. I received such a present last Friday from my students when they gave me the gift of swine flu.

The highlight of having swine flu is the five-day paid work leave, the low point is having swine flu. It’s horrible. Here are some of the symptoms:

- fever
- headache
- fatigue
- loss of appetite
- uncontrollable bleeding from the ears

I made that last one up. A fifth peripheral symptom is irritable bowel syndrome. This incidental is a result of me taking what I thought was H1N1 medication but was actually a laxative. Regrettably, I had been popping those pills like candy for the past two days.

Diagnosing someone with swine flu, or influenza as they call it in Japan, is a fairly simple procedure. A nurse politely thrusts a swab into your nasal cavity until she reaches the back of your skull. At which point she does a little twirl with the swab and then dries your tears with a tissue. Side note, unlike their zubaz-clad American counterparts, the nurses in Japan look like official nurses: skirt, white cap, button-down and an impish smirk completely hidden behind a flu mask.

While on pandemic quarantine, most of my time has been spent watching online LARP videos, showering and sleeping underneath my heated coffeetable. On the floor. It is times like these when I miss cable TV, my family and furniture. Thankfully I have a heated toilet seat and have been well-looked after by my teacher friends.

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