Dear Gerpan (and readers!),
Today my adolescent students thought it would be funny to swipe my sphincter with chalk-coated fingers. Good grief! It happens to me every time I walk down the hall. Now the rectal area of my slacks is a rainbow of dusty fingerprints. Ugh! If I had wanted a group of people fingering my butthole, I would have gone to airport security! Or better yet, the Interstate 94 rest stop at 2:30 A.M. Holy moley rocky! I tried to wash out my colorful derrière by splashing my behind with handfuls of sink water in the bathroom. Big mistake! I was forced to creep back to the staffroom with my toosh against the wall so no one would see my wet ass. Think of the explanation I would have to give if someone saw me and I don`t even speak Japanese! What a bunch of malarky!
But seriously, how do I deter my students from goosing me every time I walk to class? I can`t give out detentions, I can`t finger them back and I can`t hit them.
Sincerely,
Frustrated When Fisted
It is my understanding that flatulence is tolerated, even admired, in Japanese culture. Have you been having your usual large bouts of flatulence while teaching? If so, that could be what is attracting the children to your tiny starfish. It might even be that your American Fart™ is so brash, brazen, and generally rowdy that they are mistaking it for the sound of the mystical candy puffer-fish of Nai-wa-wa, a magical being first written of in the Thailand regions, who gives children candy and murders adulterous wives!
If THAT’s the case, then you’re in big trouble. As you mentioned in a previous article- http://gerpan.info/2009/12/slave-to-sweets/ – the Japanese are crazy for candy and will stop at nothing to get it. Thank god you’re mostly around children, with their small fingers, should some Sumo Wrestler get an earful of your delightful music, it might be a ham-sized bit of prison love for our most esteemed blogger.
My recommendation- less beans, more dairy.
Jp, I don’t fart in public. You must have me confused with my mom, Vicki. But in all seriousness, I don’t know if flatulence is admired in Japan. My one experience with Japanese air biscuits was at an empty train station in Kiryu. I was waiting on a bench for an early train when a middle-aged Japanese gent clad in sweats decided to join me. It seemed odd that he would sit next to me as there were plenty of other vacant benches available. His motives were soon made clear however, after he lifted a heavily sweat-suited cheek into the air to let out a monstrous fart. I couldn’t help but laugh but he just kept on starring straight ahead, not saying a word, like nothing happened. The train arrived soon thereafter. It was empty but the man in sweats sat next to me again so I could keep his flatulence company. I wanted to say to him in Japanese “no, forbidden” but decided not to make a stink about it.
You are living in the land of kanchou. I used to tell my students that gaijin’s bottoms were toxic and that they would start turning into gaijin if they kept doing what they were doing. Most of them stopped. I was thoroughly amused.
How do you say “toxic starfish” in Japanese?
Hmmm, 毒性ヒトデ = “dokusei hitode”, but the sad thing is, starfish won’t get through to them. You might be better of saying, “Sensei no ketsu no ana dokusei dayo. Sawattara taihen na koto ni naruyo.”
Sounds like it’s time to get those assless chaps out of the closet and back into wardrobe rotation! Why fight it? Maybe it’s a cultural sign of respect.